Critique for Daniel
Hey Daniel! Sorry you were sick and couldn’t come to class last week. I liked your screenplay, but there are a few suggestions I would like to make.
First of all, there were some things that the class found funny that you probably did not intend to be funny. It might have been different if other people were reading the roles, but I think you need to be careful in the opening scene where the mom and her boyfriend and the main character are all arguing. Its easy to go too far almost in a scene like that and turn it from serious into comically overdone. I know I myself could not stop giggling when Randy said “Shut up, Janice” but then again that could have just been me.
Also, I feel like your idea would shine through a lot better if you cut down on some of the dialogue, and maybe replaced it with more action. I find it hard to believe that a boy who is being so oppressed by him mother’s boyfriend will go and just accept this religious idea that some random man is pushing on him. So I think if you could show the guy touching the main character instead of using all of that dialogue, that would be more effective. Other than that, I really liked your screenplay, especially when you mentioned that make and model of the cars ;)
